Thursday, October 22, 2009

A gear stuck in reverse or..

What me worry?
Did you ever get the feeling that something decidedly irreversible has taken place in your universe, without you actually knowing what, where, or when? This is a lot like your brain mixing up a cocktail of all the things that you do not need to think about and serving it up in a pretty martini glass for you to sip slowly over the course of an evening. You realize it's bad for you but no matter what you do to distract yourself, it's just sitting there right in front of you. Currently, I'm a bit exhausted. I really didn't sleep at all last night...I tossed and turned and never really fell asleep fully. I've had my head down and my nose to the grindstone lately, and I've made a LOT of progress in the studio so maybe my brain is just over-stimulated by that?

However, I thought I felt a disturbance somewhere in the little connected web that is my life over the past few days, I don't know what's as if something disappointing that will have a domino effect occurred, and now that cannot be reversed ? Yeah, I know. It could be nothing and maybe, I'm a freak. And not to be paranoid or a worrywort..but the part of me that says..What if something really is wrong and I ignore it? is now at a deafening level. And so, that said, whenever I do get that twinge that something feels "off" or wrong somewhere, it compels me to check in case it is. I always hope it's nothing, or at least if it is something, that I will get down to the truth and be able to offer some assistance.Now granted, I'm not such a nut that I think about such things on a global level or anything, since I know full well there are roving bands of idiots everywhere that can wreak havoc at any moment. So, when I get such gnawing gut-feelings I simply try to think of my most immediate people. My friends and family. And I make sure everyone is okay. So far = so good. That is just as long as everyone who I have been able to call or ask is being fully honest with me. And if not, it's still cool. I pretty much can tell when those close to me are masking something, even if I don't call them on it right away. Above all, I understand people sometimes need to work things out on their own first, and come to their own truths later on. I get that part totally.

I'm honest to a fault, and even brutally so at times. Maybe that's an East coast thing? And I am pretty certain that all of my closest people are comfortable with being as truthful as they possibly can be with me, and they know that I will do the same in return. Personally, I like it when people tell the truth to one another as if they are throwing punches in a fight to the death. Saves time really. I mean after all, it's just the truth, it's something you're supposed to be finding out anyway in life. It's the way in which we learn about ourselves, and find our strengths and/or weaknesses. It's the simple joy of that discovery sometimes and it's pure ecstasy for the brain. To me, all that is derived from any information communicated or given in it's basic simplicity from heart to mouth is what really = a perfect truth. It's up to destiny however, as to where, when and if you are going to learn such things or have such epiphanies about yourself or your relationships with those near and dear to your heart. I try to say what I mean, and mean what I say at all costs. And I love my friends and family for all their good qualities as well as their imperfect parts.

"In faith, i do not love thee with mine eyes, For they in thee a thousand errors note; But 'tis my heart that loves what they despise." — Shakespeare

To know a person is to love them, faults and all. I figured out some time ago that if you don't really know what a person loves or dislikes and why, then you don't actually know them at all. Part of the beauty of knowing someone is being able to recognize and categorize their actions. Like understanding maybe why they did this or that, and then eventually the other thing. I find that within the handful of these tight relationships I share with my tiny circle of friends, it fits together easily in my mind's eye. Much like a giant puzzle, and it all makes perfect sense right-away without any effort at all. In that instant of understanding, I realize that certain moments I share with the people closest to me are indeed extremely significant to my life on earth. I am thankful for each and every one. I've seen people re-evaluate their views of me based on my actions. And in their eyes, I've watched that understanding of who I am as their friend rise, and I've become of more value to them than I once was previously. Which has only made me love them all the more.  Once their estimate of me, my work or my friendship has risen, they'll feel it more important to better fit me into their scheduled lives. I'll do the same, and so the cycle goes on and on. Relationships grow and prosper in the balance. Or sometimes, when it's the reverse of this, if they cannot be mended once all the cards are on the table, then they must come to an end.

I believe as humans, part of the natural process of us getting older is that the more we are constantly judging, re-evaluating how we spend our time, and making sense of it all keeps us ascending towards a higher path of some sort. Organizing and prioritizing values - some rising way up on high, and others simply lowering to the bottom. It's a continuous process. I'll admit freely, (before anyone reading thinks this cold, or aloof of me) that I actually do this with people all the time. I used to give my time and heart to people much more freely than I do today. Perhaps that is just par for the course during the folly of our youth. These days, if I think someone will never see the immense worth and value I can be to them, then I leave for greener pastures, just as quickly as I came.

And I have to say maybe it is only because, as my time here on this earth passes me by, some days (as young as I am) I still feel there is not enough time to do it all in just this one lifetime. Our mortal life spans are limited only by their brevity and no grand moment or expression of love should be taken for granted, especially not those that so easily go towards those we care for. It took me living so far way from my immediate family for almost a decade. Sure, I miss some people being in my life on a daily basis, and I used to miss them so much it would make me downright heartsick. But these days, I just try to enjoy my time with my favourite people when they do come around, and I won't waste time further by bemoaning their absence when they are not around. I can never understand why some people waste their time and energy on those who do not deserve it, but that's only because I learned that one the hard way on my own. I also remind myself that I should not expect others see a person's worth so immediately as I might, or decide to cut the cord as readily as I would. Everyone is different and I guess it just takes time. Even Einstein said: "There are no priviledged points of reference in this universe." Bound by your own perspective, you will always judge others as relative to you.

Well, enough pondering..I've got to get back to painting something naughty.


1 comment:

Blog for Light is the New Dark - Studio said...

Update: Actually my spider senses were dead-on with this one.