Thursday, October 1, 2009
"Wasting Away Is Not Permissible"
Excellent quote, and I can proudly say, one from my namesake. Yes, it's true. My Mother named
<----- me after 3 influential Queens! Actually all were strong women in their own way who faced much adversity. While originally of diverse religious backgrounds, they were either forced or chose to convert to Christianity at some point in their rule. So, in full my name: Kristina Annaliesse Deak is one I am quite pleased with. The first is a rufname for Queen Christina of Sweden. (who briefly lived in Germany too.) My given first name is complete with a change in play on the "C" spelling. Traded out for a "K"instead to remove any assignment of the Catholic spelling as denoted in: CHRISTINA. Mom wanted me to feel free to choose my religious orientation whenever I was old enough to do so on my own. Also, since 'Chris' is a common boy's name rendered unisex in England and the US, and she didn't care for the c spelling. My second name is a vornamen, in which Annaliesse is combined for the German to English spelling to translate to Ann Elizabeth. This signifies the namesakes of Queen Anne of Cleves, a nod to my Grandmother Anna and also Queen Elizabeth I. If I sound a bit pompous, it's only because I really appreciate my Mom's insight and the thought she put into naming me. C'mon...we've all been in a grocery store or mall at one time or another and heard someone call out a horrid name to some unsuspecting youngster. And I'll wager a bet that once seen or heard, when that tyke responds we've all said under our breath something along the lines of : "Glad I'm not that kid".
But I digress, it was the quote really I was speaking of when beginning this blog entry. (a LONG one since I'm too busy to update much until the weekend is over.)
I really can't say there has been much time frittering or wasting away for me in the last part of this past year. It truly was not permissible. And that's a very good thing. Grand actually. I've been busier this year in comparison to the last 2 or 3 and have really been focusing on the positive future. Lots going on artistically these days and I feel very productive and thankful. While I've been prepping for (now 2) shows in October, I've been doing a lot of thinking amid the work process. This past year and a half has been rife with periods of deep contemplation and introspection. But right now, it's a really busy time for me and I'm at a crossroads of sorts. Not only am I considering a moving destination choice soon, (always a heavy-duty decision when you lack the funds) I am also plotting a course to be where I am truly content and fulfilled in life and can share the wealth of that with others. Now on one hand, in that way I feel my work is such a big part of the answer to that riddle, it's always my ultimate fulfillment. So, I'm lucky there and I have a good chunk of the formula down pact. I have wonderful friends and supporters who encourage and inspire me. On the other hand, I still have so far to go and so much to do!
Aside from the importance of where to reside and the workspace, all the rest is just circumstantial background fodder really. Daydreaming and lamenting over nothing perhaps. But hey, I'm only human and thus, we want and or feel we have certain needs. And so, we ultimately long for, or desire what seems to be a part of that which makes up a human life. Even worse, if we look at society on the whole, or bring an age-marker into it, oh boy. I am fairly good at not doing that at least. But as humans, because we are by nature more greedy in that respect about our goals and life-choices than say..oh..badgers or foxes or some simple woodland creature who Mother Nature mapped it all out for...we get bogged down by our desires and we get derailed from the big arrival. Or else, we stagnate to a point of stalemate existence because we were so worried about details, or making a move in one direction or another that an opportunity passes us by. Overall things get foggy on the whole because of a lack of concentration on the big picture.
Though, I've never been like everybody else when it comes to what most would consider 'required' for a successful or happy formula. (early marriage, kids, lots of cash, a huge house, etc.) and that's probably what keeps me so optimistic about surviving off the half, or the bare minimum of what most deem the 'markers of success.' I'm very fulfilled by creating my work and expressing myself or pouring myself into that. It would be nice to leave a public history of it, sure. But I don't need to measure it with being so obsessively career successful that I dream of going home and screwing a big pile of money every night. Comfy would be nice enough. Kids? Maybe I am kaput, but I don't get all these 'normal' chicks my age. What with their tick-ticking baby maker time clocks going all bezerk. Or the people who worry about settling down and marrying before 35. Society says I should 'care' about such things or be expected to have a mid-life crisis type phase. What for? So long as I have my art and a sacred space to create it in, I'm scads ahead of most in the happiness and fulfillment department. So right now, the focus is on that and gathering more upcoming shows to get my work more exposure and recognition. Basically, I just want to be a better Artist.
However, as I take hold of this path I feel once again as if I may be called to meet the challenge of all my strengths. Which I am all right with, as I like to keep in motion and I have no fear of meeting things head on. I've done it before and no doubt will again in the course of my lifetime. I am able to each time only because regardless of whether it's a step, a leap of faith, or a risk taken that produces success or failure - I know this much: The slate is always wiped clean for a fresh start. For even in failure, I can say "I know what I wanted, so I tried." and l'll learn just where I, (or in some cases someone else) may have gone wrong. There's no time for blame. Just healing and the acceptance of the reality of things. Then, I can always clear the way to carve a new path out of the old and move on, etc. Not only is recognizing that vital to one's growth as an individual, it is in the end always the ultimate lesson. Whether in success or failure, beginnings or endings, I know that renewal and transformation of the highest order is always possible with risk taking. I don't just mean love or career choices, but life in general. And the point is this: For me it's always a far better outcome for me any way I look at it to take a chance. As I don't want to live with any wimpy-ass regrets while straddling a big fence, my living courageously in this way kinda guarantees that I won't.
I'm slowly scanning my life's back pages to see if I have any regrets. And one-by-one, if I can repair the damage? I've been doing so to the best of my ability if possible in these past 3 or 4 years. Things I cannot repair or change (either due to lost time or any number of factors beyond my control) I have let go of, and now they are no longer regrets. It is a painfully slow and exhaustive process in many ways, but each time afterward I feel I have released a chain that was weighing me down. I tend to choose my words most carefully. (An over-thinking Ram trait) So, I say what I mean and mean what I say. Some far away day, maybe when I'm on my death-bed, I would love to be free of any and all regrets though. I imagine I will not have to wish I had taken more chances, risks, or feared another gamble with fate's dice. I will not lament that I didn't face challenges head-on. Instead (if I still have my wits about me) I'll simply recall having bravely done it, or survived it. I will never regret that I had told someone that they hurt me, or made me feel fantastic. I won't ever feel badly I've not forgiven someone or thanked them. (yes, even myself) I'll feel fine in knowing that if I've told someone exactly what I've felt for them or thought of them, it was honest and intended for the good of everyone in the end. Regardless if it's an expression that's good or bad, one full of intense love or of remote displeasure, I'll have said it. (a method which saves time for everyone - plus by not holding back I find I get over things much easier too.) I know for certain I will never wish I kicked up my heels more often in this walking life. These days, I pretty much just go ahead and do it, knowing I'll also go out kicking and screaming if I have to. If that's not living life successfully and fully, then hell, I don't know what is. Besides, in a hundred years who's gonna care? I say: "Live fearlessly and full-on throttle, but just live like a bloody murder before you die."
Speaking of successful gals who waste no time and are free of conforming to the formula of the human norm. Ah there she is..tinkering away at the keys like the ethereal ghost of a tiny English school marm..
(P.J. Harvey - THE MOUNTAIN - Exceprt from a broadcast of a Norwegian radio program, also filmed. Oslo, Norway in Fall 2007.) Wow..2007? Hard to believe tomorrow the White Chalk USA release turns 2 years old! This YT clip above is really fantastic. Especially with that demure little "Whew!" at the end of her trance - but also check out the studio version of it, which is a particularly spellbinding and haunting listen.
Talk about risk taking, living fully as an Artist and being experimental. She's always changing and bringing new stuff to the table. Sadly for us Yanks, this era and tour was only booked outside of the US. It was a period when she claimed: "She didn't yet know her way around a piano." and was just "starting" to take it on. I really am mesmerized by the way she creates a sound portrait here. (all the songs on that CD do really.) If an alien from a distant planet peacefully landed and said "Hey..what is thing thing called love?" Well I could not define it in sound or sight. But if they asked me: "What does the loss of love or human heartbreak sound like?" I'd say like a mad and unearthly wailing, or well..like that thing she does towards the end in this clip. Which is pretty damn close to the definition to me.
On with the show,